Koroner’s Korner: We all suffer

I had originally intended this article to be about the cooperation and collaboration between the Coroner’s office and the other organizations in the county and state that serve our citizens.  But as the saying goes, man plans and God laughs.  Pretty good saying because it reinforces that we are made in God’s image, so I’m comfortable with God laughing at my ‘planning’.

There may be some folks out there who think that because the Coroner and Coroner’s Deputies see death so much that it just becomes a routine procedure for us and doesn’t affect us.  Nothing could be farther from the truth.  The death of anyone affects us all.  We all suffer when someone or something close to us dies.  Grief affects everyone and can come from all types of loss: death of loved ones, pets, jobs, relationships, or health changes.

We all tend to more or less go through the generally accepted five stages of grief introduced by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying.  These five stages are the most commonly taught model for understanding the psychological reactions to imminent death.  They have been expanded to include many situations where grief occurs, including the death of others.  She outlined the five stages of dying: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Some folks don’t experience all stages while some don’t experience them in the order given and even others will cycle through the stages over and over.

Denial often shows up as disbelief or numbness – “This can’t be happening”

Anger may be directed at the situation, others, or even the person who died.

Bargaining involves “if only” thoughts and attempts to negotiate with God or fate.

Depression brings deep sadness, withdrawal, and the “I don’t care” feeling I write about below.

Acceptance doesn’t mean being “okay” with the loss, but rather finding a way to live with the new reality.

Regarding grief resources in our community, many local churches offer grief counseling, and there are other professional counselors available as well. Additionally, printed materials are kept at funeral homes.  When grief feels overwhelming for weeks or interferes with daily life, reaching out for professional support can provide crucial guidance.

I recently lost a very close loved one.  I didn’t realize how close until he passed.  As I write this article, I continue to be overwhelmed with grief, so much so that it is hard to focus and get things done.  I say that I’m suffering from IDC, a state of I Don’t Care.  I don’t care about anything except my own grief and pain.  I don’t care about world events, the focus of my former Department of Defense work; I don’t care about the news, I don’t care what other people think, just I don’t care about much except my own feelings of loneliness and sadness.

So, while I traversed the anger stage rather quickly and reasoned my way through it, I quickly entered into and became somewhat mired in the depression stage.  We’ve all seen it happen to others and that’s kind of the way I handled the deaths of my dad Ralph Leo Green and my son Richard Leo Green.  Wasn’t a lot to be angry about, but sadness and loneliness were and are overwhelming at times our loved ones aren’t there to share experiences and memories with anymore.

Many people said they can’t imagine what it’s like to lose a child.  That it must be the worst thing a parent can experience.  But I’m not so sure.  I can’t imagine someone losing their mate who slept beside them for 20, 30, 40, 50 or recently, over 65 years.  The devastation of waking up to no one beside you after a lifetime of companionship.  I didn’t think my grandma Lucille Thompson would survive long after my grandpa, Grady Thompson passed; but she went on to a new life.  My uncle was married for more than 57 years, and while it was hard on the family, he went on to a new life when his first wife died.

The whole purpose of living is to continue living.  Everyone has to continue to live the best way they know how.  I do it by riding my motorcycles.  My wife does it by burying herself in working her garden and other chores.  You may have to explore to see how you best go on with your life.

It’s a terrible thing to be lonely.  But it’s even worse to live the rest of your life in total depression and loneliness.  We are surrounded by the blessings of God.  Sometimes our grief and the tears distort the view so it’s hard to see how blessed we are, but we are.  If you have a friend who has experienced a traumatic loss, my thoughts are that whatever you say can’t make it any better and whatever you say can’t make it any worse, because they think it’s already the worst time ever. So go ahead and offer your condolences. You’ll both remember later and that’s when it will be appreciated.

I would imagine that for some readers, some of this is hitting pretty close to home.  I write it so that you know that just because it’s our job, we in the Coroner’s office are no different.  Maybe not to the extent that the individual families experience their own, personal losses, but we also feel the pain and sadness when someone dies.  We sometimes say that they have gone onto a better place where there is no pain, but then we’re sad because we can no longer create and share memories with them.

I truly pray that these words are helping someone.  Writing them is one way for me to try to lessen my own pain as I reach out to friends to help me start living again.  Not looking for sympathy, just letting y’all know that we’re all human and we all suffer.

Danny Leo Green, Cedar County Coroner