I wrote in my last article how my wife had gone with her mom to see her dying aunt in Colorado. We knew several years ago that her aunt had been developing dementia and was degrading. What we didn’t know was that her husband, my wife’s uncle, had now also begun to show signs of dementia; so that when my wife and her mother arrived in the mountains, they found not one, but two loved ones who were unable to independently take care of themselves. They were blessed that their son lived with them and was able to keep an eye on them, at least so far.
I called a friend of mine to see how his job in another government agency was going with the government shutdown. I was surprised to hear he was working today, considered too essential to let go home. Then he told me how his mother’s health had continued to go downhill. She had gone from independent living and visiting him from time to time, to staying in an assisted living facility for the last few months. But now, her Alzheimer’s had progressed to the point that she had been placed on hospice and my friend was just hoping and praying she would last long enough for his son and brother to see her.
I said I was sorry to hear all of that and he replied, “Thank you.” But it really made me think about the question, what do I (or you) say when someone tells you that they or their loved one has been given a terminal diagnosis? Many times, we say we’re sorry, but is it really enough? Are we really willing and able to do anything that is asked when we ask, “What can I do for you?” And when someone is diagnosed with a terminal disease, what should we say? Is “I’m sorry.” enough?
I’ve mentioned before that when someone suffers a loss of a child, as I and some of my friends have, there is nothing you can say to make it any worse and nothing you can say that will make it better, so just say what you feel so they know you’re there. Since then, I’ve responded to cases where someone has lost a life-long partner of over 65 years. I can’t imagine how painful it is to wake up after so many years and not have your wife or husband there, and know they will never be there again. I’m sorry doesn’t seem to be enough at all so, I tell them that God will be with them.
I asked for guidance on this subject by praying for the Holy Spirit to give me the words to write. Then this evening, the movie “My Life” was on TV (Cinevault), with Michael Keaton playing a man who had been diagnosed with a terminal disease. He tries to preserve his memories with his soon-to-be born son by video recording all parts of his life. He goes to a non-conventional healer, who tells him he needs to look inside his own heart and to forgive others.
It was an emotional movie for me to watch as I wondered how many of us are walking around with an undiagnosed, terminal illnesses? How many of our friends are one call away from telling us they have a limited amount of time to live? I have written about many of my friends with terminal cancer of one type or another, and now here is another whose mother will likely pass any day.
One tortuous aspect of dementia that accompanies Alzheimer’s is the verbal abuse end-stage patients begin to heap on others who are there trying to care for them. I told one friend, who’s mother is decaying, that I had read that the worst day would be the day that her own mother doesn’t recognize her. While traumatic for her to hear, she was appreciative I had told her. Now, she is more prepared for that awful day to arrive. And today, I’ve heard that my own cousin, married for over sixty years, doesn’t even recognize his wife.
All day, I kept mulling over in my mind what the right thing to say to someone, who’s received a terminal diagnosis for themselves or a loved one. Sometimes, saying you’re sorry is all you can say. Other times, saying nothing is okay, just being there with them is all they need. For some, asking questions that allow the dying to express their opinions and thoughts might be the best. Questions give them a chance to express their last thoughts so they fell they’ve had an impact on someone.
Finally, my recommendation for those who believe, is to pray for guidance on what to say. In my previous article, I referenced a study that showed how most dying people’s primary desire is to get their spiritual affairs in order; in my words, ‘to get right with God’. You can help give them that chance in your talks and conversations. Some folks will want to go there in those conversations, and some will not. You can give them that opportunity.
In the end of the ‘My Life’ movie, Michael Keaton has forgiven his parents and asked for their forgiveness, telling them he loved them and that they had done nothing wrong. Not everyone will be able to do this, but the Bible asks us to forgive as we would want to be forgiven.
Some of you might be asking yourselves (and others), why does the Coroner keep writing about things in life and not always about death? I write what I feel the Spirit is guiding me to write to help others get the most out of their life before I am called to come on an official visit. I hope that my writing is helping others to live their lives more fully before their inevitable end.
Danny Leo Green
Cedar County Coroner
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