KORONER’S KORNER: How will they remember you?

Perhaps I should have entitled this article, “How will you remember them?”  I wrote this article four articles ago, but it always seemed like something more important came up that I needed to write about instead.  Veterans, Christmas, etc.

I was reading an obituary the other night that had caught my eye because of an affiliation with an intelligence agency that I was familiar with.  This gentleman had been born locally, then went off to serve our nation overseas.  He had lived halfway across the country, been married for six decades, and volunteered in his church and other organizations .  His life was filled with travel and adventure.  And now, his body was coming home to be buried locally, close to where he had been born.

Many are no doubt wondering, why in the world is the Coroner writing so much about one guy?  Well, I was impressed with the way he lived his life.  He went a lot of places and did a lot of things, but his life was clearly rooted in his love of the church and his marriage.  Those are important things and it reminded me of this article I began in the middle of the night weeks regarding how will people remember you.

We have five senses that basically receive all the input that we use to live by. Vision, Hearing, Smell, Taste and Touch.  While we remember some individuals for the many things they’ve done, the places they’ve gone and the things they’ve seen; for our loved ones, the memories are much more personal, but usually based on one or more of those senses. 

Photos remind us of how they looked at a certain point in time. Recordings bring back their voices and sometimes certain songs may bring back memories of times together. Videos can bring both sights and sounds back at the same time. When my dad and son died, I had lots of pictures but almost nothing with their voices. With each passing year, their voices grow fainter and fainter.  Now, I never delete my mother’s voicemails.

Smell can be replicated by perfumes or colognes loved ones wore. I have my dad’s and son’s old pillow cases, sealed in plastic. Hoping their scent will be preserved. I’ve never opened them, but I know they are there.

Taste is much harder to replicate. But everyone knows how special it is if a family member is able to cook something up that taste just like what mom or grandma used to make.

Finally, touch. I can’t think of any way to replicate the touch of someone. Even caressing a favorite scarf is not the same as them touching you.

When I bounced this off my church group the other night, a man I respect greatly stated that I was wrong.  There are a lot of things that we remember people by, but that he has memories of close ones that reflect none of those senses.  Those feelings that are on the inside, that come from the heart, that come from the love he had and still has from those and for those who have passed before him.

I lay awake that night wondering what I had missed.  Night after night I reflected on his words.  He was right.  Some of our memories are seared into our hearts and we remember special people because of the love and emotions they planted in us.  In addition to the senses, faith and love enable us to remember and have all of the feelings and more that the five senses provide us.

The lesson here lies in doing all the being with, touching and talking with others you can now. Spend time with friends and family.  Talk to them and more importantly, listen.  Touch them, even if it’s just a handshake.  Let them know how you feel; that deep feeling inside, while you can.  I make sure and hug my kids and tell them I love them with each parting. Done that for years. Because you just never know . . .

I came back to El Dorado Springs to be close to my mom; because almost fifty years of globetrotting around the world by me hadn’t given us a lot of time together. We were saying goodbye in a restaurant the other day and I hugged and kissed her and told her I loved her. A lady at another table was unable to hold her voice. She said she couldn’t pay her grown boys to do that. My mom asked her what she meant and she said, “My boys would never hug me and kiss me in public.” She seemed very envious of my mom for that little sign of affection I had shown her.  It reminds me of a paraphrasing of what Hillel the Elder (from Jesus’ time) said, “If not now, when?  If not me, who?”

I spent a lot of years leaving my loved ones and saying “Goodbye “ and I learned that you never know when you say goodbye if it’s the last goodbye.

So, don’t hesitate to take plenty of movies/videos, ask lots of questions and get your loved ones’ answers recorded. Try to make as many memories now with them while you can.

I can’t say it enough times or emphasize it strong enough; when you say “Goodbye!” to your kids or parent, say it like you mean it and say it like it may be the last time you’ll get to. Every day we get here on Earth with our loved ones is a blessing. Make the most of it so you will remember them and they will remember you with fondness and love.

Danny Leo Green

Cedar County Coroner