I wrote last time about showing some of the dark sides of the post-death processes and how others had told me that nothing divides a family quicker than death. I had planned on writing about a recent Celebration of Life for an old acquaintance. I thought I would hear stories about their life and their loves. Sadly, I could not attend the ceremony, but it made me think about how we remember people and how we try to use words to describe our feelings, especially the word ‘LOVE’. I write this to hopefully show some of the different ways each of us interprets our relationships with each other and why it is important to understand what each other’s interpretation of that relationship is.
The English language is difficult for other cultures to understand. I remember several of my language teachers telling me that when they first arrived in America, they did not think they would ever be able to be understood because of the vast differences in how we use language. While English uses context and inflection to determine meanings, other languages use exact words for each separate meaning. The most glaring example of this is in the Bible where the word ‘LOVE’ is used for a multitude of meanings, from a minimum of six to even more than nine meanings, each drastically different from one another, but each translated using the single English word, ‘LOVE’.
I love my wife, I love life, I love adventure, I love riding motorcycles, I love ice cream, I love my kids, and I love my mother. But each of these uses of ‘love’ is completely different. We certainly do not mean the same thing when we say we love our job as we do when we say we love our spouse. The love expressed in each case is different.
God’s love for us and our love for Christ has nothing in common with our love in those previous examples. When Christ uses the word ‘agape’, it is translated as ‘love’, but it could many times be better translated as to give, to serve, or to give service. His statement, “If you love me, you will keep my commands.” could also be translated as, “If you want to serve me, you will keep my commands.”
My older friend explained how when we have a true love for our spouse, we will want to serve them. I then realized that is how my wife had loved me all these years, with the desire to serve me. That really made me feel guilty about how little I had been serving her even though I professed to love her. I have tried to turn myself and my behaviors around and do better serving her ever since.
Wikipedia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greek_words_for_love) describes the Greek words for love that I have condensed and summarized below.
• Agape “love: esp. unconditional love, charity; the love of God for person and of person for God”.
• Eros means “love, mostly of sexual passion”. The Modern Greek word “erotas” means “intimate love.”
• Philia means “affectionate regard, friendship”, usually “between equals”. It is a dispassionate virtuous love. Aristotle expressed philia variously as loyalty to friends (“brotherly love”), family, and community; it requires virtue, equality, and familiarity.
• Storge means “love, affection” and “especially of parents and children”. It is common or natural empathy, like that felt by parents for offspring. It may also describe love of country or enthusiasm for a favorite sports team.
• Xenia is an ancient Greek concept of hospitality, “guest-friendship”, or “ritualized friendship”. It was a social institution requiring generosity, gift exchange, and reciprocity. Hospitality in certain situations was understood as a moral obligation. This point was reflected and emphasized as well when Christ said, “I was a stranger, and you did not invite Me in; naked, and you did not clothe Me; sick, and in prison, and you did not visit Me.’ Then they …will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, or thirsty, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not take care of You?’ Then He will answer them, ‘…to the extent that you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.’
Why all the writing about an ancient language we do not use anymore and what has it got to do with death? After years of life, we all get many chances to have ‘eros’ attractions to others, ‘philios’ friendships and certainly ‘xenial’ relationships where we are close to others.
When someone dies and we all try to get together to honor their lives, there are lots of opportunities for miscommunication among old friends and others. Our troubles in communicating with friends can be complicated when one may think or wish it is an ‘eros’ or erotic relationship, while the other may think it is only a ‘philial’ or platonic friendship. As the years pass, those misconceptions may weaken on one side while strengthening the other.
Our pride sometimes prevents us from admitting our mistakes. Understand that a funeral or Celebration of Life is not the time nor place to find out you misunderstood a relationship from the past. Words have meaning and everyone will remember what is said and done. It would be better for one person to have a less-than-ideal memory of that day than for a hundred to remember it always as a dreadful day.
My whole purpose of writing this is to raise awareness as to the various feelings that may exist both before and after someone dies and how everyone’s memories may be different. Do not make the mistake of assuming anything. Do not allow a difference of opinion to sully the last day and last memory of someone. Treasure your time together and remember that sometimes the best honor for the deceased may mean just walking away.
With thoughtful reflections and future hopes,
Danny Leo Green,
Coroner, Cedar County
Facebook Comments