KORONER’s KORNER: Not the Way to Say Goodbye

The last articles have been focused on the process of writing obituaries.  This and possibly the next article will be showing one of the dark sides that sometimes rears its ugly head after a death.  My mom’s husband Larry told me that nothing divides a family quicker than a death in the family.  Funeral home directors are more than acquainted with this sad fact.  Usually, that division is related to material things and money that people feel they are entitled to.

In today’s article, the focus will be on what was an apparently lifetime of unhappiness, only relieved by the death of someone.  Names and other facts have been modified and are in italics as the whole purpose is not to point fingers but show how not to write an obituary.

“Obituary: Our mother

Our mother has finally left a world she openly despised — particularly her own children, who never measured up to her standards and were treated as little more than expenses in a life she hoarded for herself.

When born, our mother approached life with the meticulous cruelty of Ilse Koch, turning every interaction into an opportunity for control and exploitation.  A consummate money-grubber, she hoarded wealth, time, and attention, meting out generosity so rarely it was almost mythical, and treated every person as a potential debtor in her ledger of grudges.

Her children were taught the cost of existence — their very presence deemed an expense.  Affection was rare; criticism was mandatory.  She leaves behind one child she manipulated and another she attempted to charge for a home-cooked meal while home on leave from serving overseas.  She cut off other family who “cost her money” and even a sister, whose successes and happiness she openly resented and envied.  Multiple husbands came and went, each eventually fleeing the relentless grind of her complaints and self-imposed suffering.

Our mother leaves behind multiple grandchildren — one she refused to meet, and the others she frequently called the police on when they tried to visit — and friends she convinced to feel sorry for her.  Her freezer remained stocked with off-brand food, her checkbook balanced with obsessive precision, and her legacy marked by grudges, paranoia, and a life measured in pennies hoarded, kindness denied, and vindictiveness carefully cultivated over decades.

There will be no funeral, no memorial, no crowd to mourn her absence.  You know someone’s off when only two people show up to say goodbye — and both came only because they believed our mother’s lies.  Our mother will not be missed by her children, who understand the world is a better place without her.  Like history’s most tyrannical figures, she ruled her little corner of the world with fear, manipulation, and cruelty — thankfully on a much smaller scale.

Rest at last mother.  The world is finally free of your grip, and the echoes of your cruelty will fade with the silence you leave behind.”

Everyone who has read the above ‘obituary’ is shocked at how cruel it was.  But we read it in hindsight and don’t know how exaggerated the claims were, if exaggerated at all.  It is possible they are all true.  But, in my humble opinion, death should be a time of starting anew, not settling grudges, or complaining about how bad someone was.

Speaking ill of the dead is an idiomatic expression we often hear.  According to Wikipedia, “Chilon of Sparta coined the phrase…“Of the dead man do not speak ill”.(c. 600 BC).”  Chilon was one of the Seven Sages of Greece, a group of lawmakers, philosophers, and statesmen of the 7th and 6th centuries BC who were renowned for their wisdom.

In my opinion, that was pretty good advice from the Greeks.  Not because there were any evil spirits associated with speaking ill of the dead, but because you never know what relationships others had with the dead and how much you may be hurting them when you speak of a friend or family member who has died.  ‘Billy Mac’ (McWilliams) told me once that if you were from Cedar County, you were likely related to everyone else in Cedar County.  In my experience, he wasn’t far from the truth; especially after my wife Teresa, who is very ‘into’ genealogy, found out that Bill and I were actually distant cousins, as with the Bland’s, the Driscoll’s, the Messick’s and countless others no doubt.

Last week was trying for me mentally and spiritually, starting with an unforeseen event that I have yet to be able to fully comprehend or come to terms with.  But it was related to death and while I had ‘tucked away’ the above, true obituary, the event prompted me to try to help others with this example.

Danny Leo Green,

Coroner, Cedar County