Many times, the death of a loved one comes unexpectedly. Most of the time, many of those left behind have one question that seems to take precedence over all other questions, ‘Why?’. Why was my wife or husband or child taken from me so early? Why didn’t we get a chance to say goodbye? Why me? They had so much more to give to not only me, but to the world… Why?
Sometimes those left behind will be left with feelings of loneliness and solitude, thinking they are the only ones who feels the way they do. That no one else wonders why, or that no one cares about why as much as they do. They are left being haunted day and night with wondering ‘Why?’. They wake up in the middle of the night after a bad dream and lay on their pillow or sit on the edge of the bed asking over and over ‘Why?’.
Unfortunately, I belong to a club that no one wants to be a member of, the ‘club’ of those parents who have lost a child. There are many in the county who have also lost a child, but you don’t know them because it’s something most people don’t talk about. The same with those who have lost their spouses; after the initial shock and despair has worn off, they go about the business of living their lives as best they can.
I spoke with a friend of mine who had lost his young wife and he and I agreed, you can’t just ‘quit’ on life. You have to get up the next morning and put one foot in front of another and keep on living life. At this point, many will ask themselves, ‘Why?’ Why do I have to keep on going? Why do I have to get up? Why do I have to go to work anymore and why does it matter?
Bottom line is that we don’t know why. We don’t know why some are ravaged with diseases while others live whole, full and healthy lives. Some live as healthy and active lives as possible and die young, while others drink, smoke, sit around and eat too much, and continue to live into their old age. Why? No one knows why. We can look at all of the individual factors of how people live and their genetic lineage that influenced all of their ancestors to live long lives, but there are always exceptions and, in the end, no one knows why.
It even happens in hospital emergency rooms. A young healthy patient comes in and we do everything we can to save them from whatever is threatening their life, but some just give up and others for no reason just go in the middle of the night with no forewarning. We look at individual processes in the body that may have an impact, but in the end, sometimes, we just don’t know why. Even after an autopsy, sometimes we may know how someone died, but we may still not know why.
As I wrote earlier, the Coroner’s job is to determine the manner of death as being homicide, suicide, accidental, from natural causes, or finally, undetermined. It bothers me greatly when we have a case that is undetermined. I have to make a decision regarding how far we will go in making a determination on cause of death, up to and including an expensive autopsy at the county’s expense.
Some folks are so overwhelmed by the ‘Why’ that they want their close ones to have an autopsy, but unless I suspect foul play or am unable to make a reasonable determination for the cause and manner of death, the responsibility for the autopsy will be on the family. To be blunt, this is not an inexpensive option for the family to try to find out ‘Why’.
I wish I could answer the ‘Why’ for those left behind on why their loved ones were taken, but the real answer is that we don’t always know why. Myself, I trust that my own challenges have been put there by God, hopefully to test me or make me stronger, but the bottom line is that I don’t know why and that for many of us, when a loved one dies, we will never know why. Our departed loved ones would not want our lives and living to come to an end just because theirs did. We just have to get up the next day, put one foot in front of the other and keep on living. It is truly a test of our faith in God that we believe that living is more important than the question of ‘Why’, which may never be answered.
So, if you are wondering ‘Why?’, rest assured, you are not alone.
Danny Leo Green,
Cedar County Coroner
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