KORONER’s KORNER: SAYING GOODBYE

I woke up before five this morning thinking about my obituary articles.  I lay there wondering, what exactly am I writing about?  What am I trying to say?  I think it comes down to ‘how do we say goodbye’?  But what does goodbye mean?  How do we honor those who have passed and what do we want to tell others about them?  What do we want others and ourselves to remember about our loved ones?

When we say, “Goodbye!” to someone, we are saying a phrase that originated as, “God be with you.”  The French will say ‘adieu,’ comparable to the Spanish ‘adios’ or informal German ‘Adi;’ all meaning ‘to God.’  The phrase goodbye has evolved over time to simply mean a farewell or concluding remark when leaving someone.  We normally think we are going to see that person again, with Germans often saying ‘auf Wiedersehen’ (until we see you again) and Poles saying ‘do nastepne razie’ (until next time).

But, how do you say goodbye when it is the last time?  When you do not expect to see them in this life again?  When you do not expect them to answer with a corresponding reply?  That is one of the purposes of a eulogy, to give that final ‘goodbye.’

This is the first of several articles I will author trying to help families remember their loved ones in obituaries.  These are only meant as a starting guide so you can be more prepared when you speak with your funeral home director and minister.  It will help everyone if you already have the information.

For those worried about how they are going to be remembered, it may help by providing some guidance to your heirs.  This could also be a guide for parents or grandparents who want to take some of the stress off those left behind.  Many times, with today’s easy mobility away from home, some of us are sadly just not knowledgeable about the lives of our families.

I found out many things I did not know about both my dad Leo and my son Richard Leo as folks shared stories with me at the celebrations of life.  I found out my dad had helped a boy whose father had kicked him out of the house by giving him a job and a roof over his head.  I found out my son had built computers for free for poorer students attending his college.

I was stationed at Scott Air Force Base, east of St. Louis, when my son died in North Carolina.  Teresa was driving to Kansas City to see her mother and sisters.  I did not want her to be alone, in the middle of nowhere, when I told her about Richard Leo’s passing, so I made the decision to wait until she arrived in Kansas City and was with her family.  I wondered if I had made the right decision, since she ended up having to drive all the way back across Missouri the next day.  I just told her that something had happened with Richard and that she needed to come back to St. Louis.  I waited until she arrived late the next day to tell her that he was dead, something her motherly instinct had already told her.  We drove straight through all the way back to North Carolina the next day.

We wanted Richard’s body to come home to El Dorado Springs, where he was the Centennial Baby when he was born, the pride of his grandpa Leo.  Since he had gone through high school in North Carolina, attended church and Sunday School there, we would need to have some type of service there.

We sat in our living room that night with Richard’s and our friends, his brother and sister, and began to put in words what we would write in his obituary so that he would be remembered by all who came to his services.

How do you sum up the life of someone you have raised and loved their entire life?  We sat up that night for hours as everybody tossed ideas around, wrote them down, read them aloud, changed them, then repeated everything over and over again.  We needed something quickly for his memorial in North Carolina so we could get on the road back to Missouri, where his body and services would be.  That was a tough evening.

After Richard’s memorial, we drove back to Missouri to prepare for the funeral.  My sister Kathy asked who I wanted to give the eulogy and I told her that I had no idea since I had been deployed around the world for the last thirty years.  She recommended Brent Bland, who had lost his young son just four years earlier.  Brent’s loss of his son meant Brent knew exactly what we were going through.

We could have avoided some stress if we had been prepared.  But who is going to prepare for their child to die?  We do not even want to contemplate or think about such things, let alone plan for them.

The next several articles are meant to provide a guide for people who may find themselves in such onerous conditions.  When my dad Leo passed away, I felt so sorry for myself as I traveled days back from halfway around the world in Afghanistan.  When I arrived home, I saw Janet and her close friends sitting in the drive and realized that I had no right to feel sorry for myself.  Fathers passing before sons has happened since the beginning of time.  I was now the oldest and had to step up to that duty and help everyone else get through.  My hope is that if you need help with an obituary, it will be for those who came before you, not after.

Do not depend on my upcoming articles, speak with your minister and funeral home director for the best advice.

Danny Leo Green,

Coroner, Cedar County